I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
