i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
