I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
