I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
