this beer tastes like vomit already
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
