Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
