Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
