I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
