that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
