So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
