Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dick very happy bro
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
