Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
