I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
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If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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