My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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