We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
