So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Randomize
