just tell him i said nine months
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
