Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
