Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
