My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
