I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
