I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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