If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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