i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
