I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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