We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
