why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
