I just saw a hot homeless man
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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