the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
