I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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