Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
