tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
