you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
