i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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