let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
