I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
