From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
