My room smells like vodka and shame
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
