the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just google imaged poop.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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