Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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