I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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