rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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