i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
