Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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