I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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