It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
