The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
