I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
