This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
