4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
