he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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