Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
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Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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