I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
