Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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