The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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