Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
