im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
