She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
