I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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