i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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